Hitting Rock Bottom

This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last night changed everything. Everything. I've honestly never cried as much as I have in the last two days. I'm not sure how I feel about putting everything that's happened on here quite yet. But eventually you all will know. For now though just know it's killing me. I almost lost someone so close to me. I almost lost myself.
The truth is that my life has slowly spun out of my control, and until last night there was no way to stop it. And even though what I'm going through now is hard, I know it's saving me.
Today I learned that there are a lot of people who care about me, and in my moment of desperation I over looked them, I didn't seek an exit, I tried to create one. I wanted to die. Yeah. Trust me, that's hard to put on here. I felt so alone and lost that I began to believe that was my only way out. And today, the very next day, I see how many people I have. None of us are alone.
Today I learned that I want to save everyone. But I cant. I just think I have to. I care so much about the people in my life that I just don't want them to have to go through anything bad, I want to shield them. I want to take away their burdens. Even when mine are weighing me down. For now though, it's time for me to focus on myself. How can I save someone from falling off a cliff if I'm already falling?
The only thing I can ask for now is support. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to listen to me. That's the only thing anyone can do for me. The rest is up to me, but I'm not alone. I just can't possibly be. I'm terrified for this month. This is where my whole group of friends is going to change, we have to help each other, we have to be there, but in the end, we're all making our own decisions. We are shaping our lives. It's time we grow up. It's time to be serious. And unfortunately we've spun ourselves into a deep hole. I know we can make it though..because what other option is there?
Everything has to be okay in the end, right?

Even though I have these positive thoughts, it's my other thoughts that are getting the best of me. I feel scared. I feel invisible. I feel sad. so sad. This is so hard. My whole life is being flipped yet again, and I saw it coming. In a way I welcomed this disaster.
All I know is that now is the time for change. It's beginning to be fall, and my life always changes in the fall. I knew something big was coming. And here it is in all it's epicness.

I don't know how to get through this.

Hold Your Head Up

Lately I've been realizing how hard life really is going to be. It's like for so long I've ignored the fact that growing up means doing something new with my life. It also means I'm gonna need a whole lot more money.

Things have been so hard for me lately. Nothing seems to go right. The only person I can count on in life is me. Everyone betrays me. Everyone uses me. Everyone lies to me. No one appreciates the things I do. It wouldn't make a difference if i were here or not. The truth is that if I died the people that knew me would cry and say how they remembered me and all the things about me that were so great. Some people would say we were best friends. A lot of people wouldn't care. The people who are close to me would cry some, maybe a lot. But eventually...everyone would move on. They might think about me every now and then...but the pain would fade. The memories would be forgotten. And time would move on without me. Right now I'm not really sure why I'm still trying. But I am.

Money has become a big deal. I need it. I don't have it. Ill pretty much be 18 in a year..I want to get an apartment and leave as soon as I can. So I need a job. I need to save my money. I need to start growing up. But it's just so hard. I have no clue how to balance a job with School. I want to play tennis. But getting this money is important. College is going to be expensive. Clearly...I guess I just started thinking about that. College might be my only chance to get out of this town...but out of state tuition is so high. What if I miss my chance?

I'm not sure how to handle my life right now.


All I ever wanted was to change the world, to leave behind a legacy; I just never knew it would be this hard.