"Once the sun begins to hide we all have to face reality. We all have to face what's real in our lives." --Dillon Geiger.
I tend to live life behind a mask. I hide my heart and soul from the world, probably because it can be so cruel. On the outside this girl is tough. She's so happy, living her life in the way she chooses. Making mistakes but never regretting a single moment. Under the facade is a totally different face. I think continuously of the life I live. I forever wonder what comes next. And secretly I'm terrified for the future. High school is ending, life will continue to move on even after graduation. What if I don't know where to go from here? What if I can't handle the world.
"I don't be; I am. I do." You cannot possibly say that you are contributing to the world when you are hiding behind your facade. Do not just be. Live. Bring the world something to remember you by. Leave your legacy in the hearts of the people you know. DO something that completes a life. Be the person you are meant to be. Show the world that you matter. Prove it.
You may die. Your family may die. This nation might fall. and the world will end. But your soul will live on in it's legacy for eternity. Never doubt that what you do matters, never doubt that you bring the world something. ;;because even when this dream is over the legacy is worth ever second of everything you went through. Life may be the dream, but we dream it.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Forgiveness
I don't know what everyone else feels about forgiveness, and I don't know why they feel that way. But for me, I feel so happy with myself when I forgive.
It's so easy to say that you always forgive, it's harder to do it. Forgive and Forget. That's the best thing to do. Don't forget what the situation taught you, but don't bring it into everything you do. Leave it alone. Forgive, and be done with it.
Because of the fact that I say I always forgive I want to get a few things off my chest, so I can be real. I need to be truthful in what I believe, because I expect all of you to be real in what you believe. So here it goes.
John.
I forgive you for taking my sister. I forgive you for what you did to her, and the hurt you caused not only her, but our whole family. I forgive you for making me grow up so fast. I forgive you.
Mom.
I forgive you for being so unhappy when I was younger. I forgive you for thinking I was just a child. I forgive for not telling me what I needed to know. I forgive you for being so dramatic. I forgive you for being angry. I forgive you for smoking. I forgive you for lying about it. I forgive you.
Dad.
I forgive you for not being around. I forgive you for not understanding. I forgive you for yelling. I forgive you for telling me my opinion didn't matter. I forgive you.
Caitlin.
I forgive you for not being there for me when I was younger. I forgive you for using me. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you.
In my opinion these are the most important things in my life that need to be forgiven. But not only forgiven, It's time for me to let go. Moving on with my life and starting over requires me to forget that these people hurt me, and remember that they taught me also.
To not forgive John would be selfish of me. In a way he gave me my best friend. He taught me how short life can be, and how unfulfilled it can become. He taught me that the world is full of bad people. But my sister, she taught me that people can change, and that they do it every day. I continue to learn from what these two taught me. The hatred in my soul for John has gone. I'm at peace with that.
I forgive my parents for divorcing, and I forgive them for getting back together. I forgive them for not understanding my feelings toward things. I forgive them for not having open minds about the world and the things in it. I forgive them for not respecting what others believe when it isn't what they believe.
They, of course, teach me something everyday, even if they don't know it. I'm am having to realize that they change just like me, with the things they endure. I know that they aren't perfect, and i shouldn't expect them to be. I love them both, no matter what I say.
In my heart I know that the most important person to forgive is myself. I've been through some really hard things, and I've done things in my life that maybe I'm not proud of. By forgiving myself I allow myself to live with no regret. I regret nothing because it was all just a learning experience. There is no doubt in my mind that if I didn't forgive myself and the people around me that I would be full of regret. What matters to me is that I forgive. Whether or not you forgive me is your choice. If I have apologized then my heart is happy. That's the end of that.
If you've read this, and you feel I've hurt you ever in anyway please tell me. It's important that those who deserve forgiveness get it. And we all deserve it. All of us.
It's so easy to say that you always forgive, it's harder to do it. Forgive and Forget. That's the best thing to do. Don't forget what the situation taught you, but don't bring it into everything you do. Leave it alone. Forgive, and be done with it.
Because of the fact that I say I always forgive I want to get a few things off my chest, so I can be real. I need to be truthful in what I believe, because I expect all of you to be real in what you believe. So here it goes.
John.
I forgive you for taking my sister. I forgive you for what you did to her, and the hurt you caused not only her, but our whole family. I forgive you for making me grow up so fast. I forgive you.
Mom.
I forgive you for being so unhappy when I was younger. I forgive you for thinking I was just a child. I forgive for not telling me what I needed to know. I forgive you for being so dramatic. I forgive you for being angry. I forgive you for smoking. I forgive you for lying about it. I forgive you.
Dad.
I forgive you for not being around. I forgive you for not understanding. I forgive you for yelling. I forgive you for telling me my opinion didn't matter. I forgive you.
Caitlin.
I forgive you for not being there for me when I was younger. I forgive you for using me. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you.
In my opinion these are the most important things in my life that need to be forgiven. But not only forgiven, It's time for me to let go. Moving on with my life and starting over requires me to forget that these people hurt me, and remember that they taught me also.
To not forgive John would be selfish of me. In a way he gave me my best friend. He taught me how short life can be, and how unfulfilled it can become. He taught me that the world is full of bad people. But my sister, she taught me that people can change, and that they do it every day. I continue to learn from what these two taught me. The hatred in my soul for John has gone. I'm at peace with that.
I forgive my parents for divorcing, and I forgive them for getting back together. I forgive them for not understanding my feelings toward things. I forgive them for not having open minds about the world and the things in it. I forgive them for not respecting what others believe when it isn't what they believe.
They, of course, teach me something everyday, even if they don't know it. I'm am having to realize that they change just like me, with the things they endure. I know that they aren't perfect, and i shouldn't expect them to be. I love them both, no matter what I say.
In my heart I know that the most important person to forgive is myself. I've been through some really hard things, and I've done things in my life that maybe I'm not proud of. By forgiving myself I allow myself to live with no regret. I regret nothing because it was all just a learning experience. There is no doubt in my mind that if I didn't forgive myself and the people around me that I would be full of regret. What matters to me is that I forgive. Whether or not you forgive me is your choice. If I have apologized then my heart is happy. That's the end of that.
If you've read this, and you feel I've hurt you ever in anyway please tell me. It's important that those who deserve forgiveness get it. And we all deserve it. All of us.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Single Year
It's been one year since I started this blog. It's been one year since i purposely flipped my world up side down. I took a chance and it led me to who I am today, one year later.
What this year taught me::
- I never want to wonder "what if?"
- A good day cannot be ruined by a single bad event. The day still happened.
- Someone is always listening.
- You choose to be alone. You choose to not be.
- Happiness is essential to living.
- Don't drink a large soda before a roller coaster.
- Bad moods are contagious. So are good moods.
- Cherish each moment with the people you love.
- Hold your head up, they are watching.
- The longer you pretend to be strong, the easier it becomes.
- You only get one life, live it.
- Secrets are better shared.
- A baby changes everything.
- Smiling every day makes life worth it.
- Crying doesn't kill you.
- We all dream.
- The word teenager is a stereotype. And we all buy into it.
- If life is moving too fast, you can downshift.
- Even freedom is controlled.
- Choose your words carefully.
- A deep conversation changes people.
- My sister is always right.
- Everyone will hurt you.
- Everyone will talk about you. && you'll talk about them.
- Music cures sadness, but can cure happiness as well.
- Take as long as you want to let go of people, or situations.
- Hugs should be long.
- Kisses should be sweet.
- You make your life what it is.
- Epic can be good or bad.
- Money is important but hard to find.
- So are friends.
- Always bring a coat when your mom tells you to.
- Karma gets you. no matter what.
- Friends don't just get lost, they wander.
- Boys only say what they say because they know we want to hear it.
- Convers are best dirty.
- Orange makes me smile.
- People change. No matter what you do.
- They make phones really easy to drop.
- The strongest person you know will one day break down in front of you.
- Everyone deals with something hard.
- You don't find yourself, you make yourself.
- My plans always change.
- I can walk alone. But I don't have to.
- Emotions can save you.
- It's easy to forget who you are for a second, and that second impacts everything.
- Music really does heal.
- I built a wall around myself to avoid being hurt. And it's a lot harder to tear down than I thought.
- You can't love others without loving yourself.
- Regret only happens when forgiveness does not.
- Boys like to ruin everything.
- After a hard day of work you need good friends and good stories.
- Memories make the pictures, the pictures hold the memories.
- We make our own quotes to live by.
- Tragic endings make the story that much more epic.
- Feelings change, but that doesn't make the past lies.
- Following your heart is like having a compass that doesn't point north.
- You find how others really feel in times of trouble.
- The strongest feelings are those you don't want to feel.
- It's easy to buy into what they tell you.
- When you lose your mind, take a nap.
- Blink 182 will always save me.
- The least likely friends are the best.
- Life goes on, it's the people who choose to hold on.
Of course I can't put everything I've learned this year, but I can tell you that every second of this crazy, tragic, beautiful year has impacted who I am. I can't wait to do this all again. Life is taking me beyond where I thought I could go. I'm so different than who I expected to be.
What this year taught me::
- I never want to wonder "what if?"
- A good day cannot be ruined by a single bad event. The day still happened.
- Someone is always listening.
- You choose to be alone. You choose to not be.
- Happiness is essential to living.
- Don't drink a large soda before a roller coaster.
- Bad moods are contagious. So are good moods.
- Cherish each moment with the people you love.
- Hold your head up, they are watching.
- The longer you pretend to be strong, the easier it becomes.
- You only get one life, live it.
- Secrets are better shared.
- A baby changes everything.
- Smiling every day makes life worth it.
- Crying doesn't kill you.
- We all dream.
- The word teenager is a stereotype. And we all buy into it.
- If life is moving too fast, you can downshift.
- Even freedom is controlled.
- Choose your words carefully.
- A deep conversation changes people.
- My sister is always right.
- Everyone will hurt you.
- Everyone will talk about you. && you'll talk about them.
- Music cures sadness, but can cure happiness as well.
- Take as long as you want to let go of people, or situations.
- Hugs should be long.
- Kisses should be sweet.
- You make your life what it is.
- Epic can be good or bad.
- Money is important but hard to find.
- So are friends.
- Always bring a coat when your mom tells you to.
- Karma gets you. no matter what.
- Friends don't just get lost, they wander.
- Boys only say what they say because they know we want to hear it.
- Convers are best dirty.
- Orange makes me smile.
- People change. No matter what you do.
- They make phones really easy to drop.
- The strongest person you know will one day break down in front of you.
- Everyone deals with something hard.
- You don't find yourself, you make yourself.
- My plans always change.
- I can walk alone. But I don't have to.
- Emotions can save you.
- It's easy to forget who you are for a second, and that second impacts everything.
- Music really does heal.
- I built a wall around myself to avoid being hurt. And it's a lot harder to tear down than I thought.
- You can't love others without loving yourself.
- Regret only happens when forgiveness does not.
- Boys like to ruin everything.
- After a hard day of work you need good friends and good stories.
- Memories make the pictures, the pictures hold the memories.
- We make our own quotes to live by.
- Tragic endings make the story that much more epic.
- Feelings change, but that doesn't make the past lies.
- Following your heart is like having a compass that doesn't point north.
- You find how others really feel in times of trouble.
- The strongest feelings are those you don't want to feel.
- It's easy to buy into what they tell you.
- When you lose your mind, take a nap.
- Blink 182 will always save me.
- The least likely friends are the best.
- Life goes on, it's the people who choose to hold on.
Of course I can't put everything I've learned this year, but I can tell you that every second of this crazy, tragic, beautiful year has impacted who I am. I can't wait to do this all again. Life is taking me beyond where I thought I could go. I'm so different than who I expected to be.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Becomming Me.
Seventh Grade.
I was the girl with dark makeup covering my eyes. I was the quiet girl. I was the girl with head phones on, every second possible. I was the sad girl. I was the girl with no plans. I was the girl who hurt at the thought of her past. I was the girl who was alone in a room full of people. I was the girl who hated herself. I was the girl who cut a star into her ankle to prove a point. I was the girl who kept cutting it. I was the girl who was lost. I was the girl with dark clothes, who died her hair any time she could. I was the girl who was afraid to smile. I was the girl who ran to the wrong person for help. I was the girl who gave up everything for a guy. I was the girl who lost the only person that had ever cared about her. I was the girl who gave her best friend away. I was the girl who cried in her room. I was the girl who blasted her music so loud, just to sleep without thinking too much. I was the girl they were afraid of.
Eighth Grade.
I was the girl with nothing to lose. I was the girl who realized it was time to change. I was the girl who met a good guy. I was the girl who found new friends. I was the girl who cared so much about what they said. I was the girl who covered up her past. I was the girl who lied about everything. I was the girl they loved.I was the confident girl. But, I was the girl with a wall around her heart. I was the who let almost no one in. I was still the girl with that little reminder on her ankle.
Ninth Grade.
I was the girl who changed her everything for him. I was the girl who believed every word from his mouth. I was the girl who never spoke. I was the girl with a jealous boy friend. I was the girl who spent every possible second with him. I was the girl with no friends. I was the girl with A's and B's. I was the girl who no one knew. I was the girl who didn't know who she was. I was the girl who cried every day. I was the girl who never slept. I was the girl who thought she was in love. I was the girl who was afraid to be anything other than what he wanted. I was the girl who changed herself for all the wrong reasons.
Tenth Grade.
I was the girl who finally saw who she had become. I was the girl who saw the world in a different light. I was the girl who was tired of loneliness. I was the girl who did something about it. I was the girl who changed everything to be who she knew she was meant to be. I was the girl who stopped believing what everyone wanted her to. I was the girl who loved who she was. I was the girl happy with life. I was the girl who made new friends every day. I was the girl who couldn't stop smiling. I was the girl who was proud of her scars. I was the girl who didn't care what anyone said. I was the girl her own goals. I was the girl who lived her life the way she wanted. I was the girl with black nail polish and dark clothes, because that's what she wanted. I was the girl who stopped holding back. I was the girl who said what she thought. I was the girl who never planned anything. I was the girl who did her own thing. I was the girl who saw her beauty. I was the girl who stopped letting her past prevent her happiness. I was the girl who was strong. I was the girl who knew what she wanted, and did what she could to get it.
Eleventh Grade.
...to be continued.
I was the girl with dark makeup covering my eyes. I was the quiet girl. I was the girl with head phones on, every second possible. I was the sad girl. I was the girl with no plans. I was the girl who hurt at the thought of her past. I was the girl who was alone in a room full of people. I was the girl who hated herself. I was the girl who cut a star into her ankle to prove a point. I was the girl who kept cutting it. I was the girl who was lost. I was the girl with dark clothes, who died her hair any time she could. I was the girl who was afraid to smile. I was the girl who ran to the wrong person for help. I was the girl who gave up everything for a guy. I was the girl who lost the only person that had ever cared about her. I was the girl who gave her best friend away. I was the girl who cried in her room. I was the girl who blasted her music so loud, just to sleep without thinking too much. I was the girl they were afraid of.
Eighth Grade.
I was the girl with nothing to lose. I was the girl who realized it was time to change. I was the girl who met a good guy. I was the girl who found new friends. I was the girl who cared so much about what they said. I was the girl who covered up her past. I was the girl who lied about everything. I was the girl they loved.I was the confident girl. But, I was the girl with a wall around her heart. I was the who let almost no one in. I was still the girl with that little reminder on her ankle.
Ninth Grade.
I was the girl who changed her everything for him. I was the girl who believed every word from his mouth. I was the girl who never spoke. I was the girl with a jealous boy friend. I was the girl who spent every possible second with him. I was the girl with no friends. I was the girl with A's and B's. I was the girl who no one knew. I was the girl who didn't know who she was. I was the girl who cried every day. I was the girl who never slept. I was the girl who thought she was in love. I was the girl who was afraid to be anything other than what he wanted. I was the girl who changed herself for all the wrong reasons.
Tenth Grade.
I was the girl who finally saw who she had become. I was the girl who saw the world in a different light. I was the girl who was tired of loneliness. I was the girl who did something about it. I was the girl who changed everything to be who she knew she was meant to be. I was the girl who stopped believing what everyone wanted her to. I was the girl who loved who she was. I was the girl happy with life. I was the girl who made new friends every day. I was the girl who couldn't stop smiling. I was the girl who was proud of her scars. I was the girl who didn't care what anyone said. I was the girl her own goals. I was the girl who lived her life the way she wanted. I was the girl with black nail polish and dark clothes, because that's what she wanted. I was the girl who stopped holding back. I was the girl who said what she thought. I was the girl who never planned anything. I was the girl who did her own thing. I was the girl who saw her beauty. I was the girl who stopped letting her past prevent her happiness. I was the girl who was strong. I was the girl who knew what she wanted, and did what she could to get it.
Eleventh Grade.
...to be continued.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Who I am.
I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a lover. I am a student. I am crazy. I am outspoken. I am opinionated. I am selfish. I am strong. I am careless. I am beautiful. I am loud. I am smart. I am determined. I am skinny. I love music and sound. I love the color orange. I love movies. I love a good book. I love innocence. I love driving. I love summer nights. I love grass. I love sleeping. I love having someone to talk to. I love how I feel after a long day of work. I love bubble baths. I love incense. I love the stars, and reading my horoscope. I love my sister. I love my gross KIA. I love my past. I love being spontaneous. I love kisses. I love jamming out in my room alone. I love walking in the park with Brandie. I love car adventures with Tony. I love under the bridge with Paul and Dillon. I love not talking to Joshua until I'm with Nana. I love Cait putting her make up on in my car. I love Red Bull. I love long days of work where Monica forgets her own thoughts. I love seeing pictures of Beth with her SONS. I love my mom singing country music in the car. I love my Aunt using her kitty voice. I love my dad talking for hours on the phone. I love walking to the bus stop in the snow. I love the sunrise with Dillon and Paul. I love dreams about nothing. I love forgetting my locker combo after Christmas break. I love the first two days of school. I love how my parents can have a whole conversation about nothing at all. I love Cait being married to Pete. I love how I'm the youngest person in my whole family. I love Ashlei being so strong. I love lightning and thunder. I love rain. and puddles. I love 719. I love shorts and tank tops, the windows down driving nowhere. I love Brandie. I love Ashlei. I love Caitlin. I love Beth. I love Nana. I love Dillon. I love Tony. I love Joshua. I love Paul. I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my family.
I love my life.
I love my life.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
We Are.
Life goes by without our notice. We sit back and live in the way that only we can. we watch for things we dreamed of, we dance and sing, we laugh, we cry, and all the while life is flying by.
We miss out on so much because our minds are closed to the possibilities of this world. It's so easy to miss the the simply beautiful things, like the clouds in the sky, or a thunderstorm.
I was at a stop light earlier tonight. No special song was playing. It didn't feel like a memorable moment. But as I looked up to the sky the world just caught me by surprise. Time froze for that second. I could see a beautiful picture -the street lights lining the darkening sky, one single star shining through to us.
I feel like life is me against time. It's me against the clock. Either I finish what is meant to be or I fail. There is no alternative.
What is meant to be, will be. I'm not afraid to set my whole being on the line. I'm not afraid to take a chance on this life. I am not afraid of what might happen, because I know that where this life takes me is where I am meant to be.
The world is changing. We are becoming more and more secluded in our minds. Say what you believe. Believe in what you believe. Let others believe what they believe. Have hope. And give hope. Share thoughts, and keep an open mind. Let each person be who they are without feeling ridiculed. We are the teachers. We are the fighters. We are the lovers. We are the heroes. We are the saviors. We are the youth of today who will become the leaders of the future. WE MAKE TOMORROW. It is up to us. Everything is up to us. Don't be narrow minded.
Live how only you can. Love how only you know how. And let everyone else do the same.
We miss out on so much because our minds are closed to the possibilities of this world. It's so easy to miss the the simply beautiful things, like the clouds in the sky, or a thunderstorm.
I was at a stop light earlier tonight. No special song was playing. It didn't feel like a memorable moment. But as I looked up to the sky the world just caught me by surprise. Time froze for that second. I could see a beautiful picture -the street lights lining the darkening sky, one single star shining through to us.
I feel like life is me against time. It's me against the clock. Either I finish what is meant to be or I fail. There is no alternative.
What is meant to be, will be. I'm not afraid to set my whole being on the line. I'm not afraid to take a chance on this life. I am not afraid of what might happen, because I know that where this life takes me is where I am meant to be.
The world is changing. We are becoming more and more secluded in our minds. Say what you believe. Believe in what you believe. Let others believe what they believe. Have hope. And give hope. Share thoughts, and keep an open mind. Let each person be who they are without feeling ridiculed. We are the teachers. We are the fighters. We are the lovers. We are the heroes. We are the saviors. We are the youth of today who will become the leaders of the future. WE MAKE TOMORROW. It is up to us. Everything is up to us. Don't be narrow minded.
Live how only you can. Love how only you know how. And let everyone else do the same.
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