Wanting More

I'm not really sure how to put all my thoughts into words anymore. But here's my first go at it.


I feel completely lost. Life seemed like it was so amazing just a few months ago, but now it's so still. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever feels quite right. It's supposed to be one of the best years of my life...but it feels like the end of the road. I don't know where to go from here. I want so badly to just escape this place and all the people in it, but I have a feeling that's going to be impossible. I'm so afraid of getting stuck in the town for the rest of my life. I just want more.

Every day is the same. The same people surrounding me. The same POS car. The same me. I don't have hardly any of the confidence I used to make believe I had. I feel so angry at the world. Everyone around me makes me angry. Everything they do.


I just don't know what else to write.

Here We Go Again

I figured now would be a good time for updates. Or sorta anyway. So much has happened since I last posted. So much has changed who I am. And I don't care what anyone thinks about me.
In October I got alcohol poisoning. Yeah. That was retarded. I learned from it. I moved on. Unfortunately, I'm probably the only one who did.
In November I got a broken heart. And I hid it from everyone, even myself. (Which really just shows how much skill I have.) I also disappeared for a while in November. That was really good for me. It made me realize a ton of things. Like how I don't need any of these people unless I want to. I can fully rely on myself and my sister and all of my extended family. It also made me realize that I'm fully capable of getting out of this town on my own. And yeah, It's going to happen.
As for December, I managed to pass all my classes. I'm that much closer to graduating. I bought too many presents for my family and had a great Christmas. Got some really great clothes and had a blast during break with everyone. I made a friend that I didn't expect to make.
I brought in the new year with glitter. Literally. I had the time of my life with old friends and newer ones. I promised myself something at midnight on the 1st. I didn't kiss anyone, and so for a year I will not let myself get carried into a relationship. I'm gonna do me. I'm gonna have fun, hell yeah, but no boys. None. I have to say that I'm totally excited. I have a feeling this coming year is going to be the best one yet. I'm so excited.

I'm just a crazy girl tryin to figure out who I want to be. I'm just livin life.
Peace.

Dear October, I hate to see you go.

My seventeenth birthday was on Monday. And you know what? It feels great to know that I survived another year in this place. It's even better to know that I only have one more year. One more year and I can escape to where ever I desire, or at least another state. =] I have a lot of possibilities because of the people I know, and I'm so thankful for that. After all, I'm gonna need all the help I can get. Of course I could do it on my own, but I don't have to, and I don't want to. And even though it's hard to believe sometimes, there are people who have my back. They might not be the people I wanted, or thought would always be there, but they love me, and that's where it's at.
I want to leave this place, and I want to become someone. I want more for my life than the same redundant theme. I want to chase my goals, I want to reach my dreams. I don't want to be okay with the way things are. Even if I have to search my whole life for what I want, I'll be happy with that. I feel like life is about the mystery. It's about creating who you are. It's about taking chances and making outrageous decisions. It's about being spontaneous. It's about loving everyone in your own way. It's about learning to forgive. It's about trusting. It's about living life in the way only you can. Life is about making it yours.
That's what I think anyway. And that's what counts.
Well, October is almost over. And I've changed a lot. I can feel it already. I've been through so much in such a short time. And I've learned that if I can just survive one more year, I'll be able to take on the world. I'm gonna be something. I'm going to do big things. And I'm never going to look back.

What I already knew. And Why.

Fall. Not only is the weather beginning to change, but so is my life. So much has happened in the past month that I'm not really ready to share, but it's caused so much to change. It's a big chain of events that lead me up to this very moment.

-The most recent: losing my best friend.
--the worst part: I saw it coming from the moment we became friends.

I guess I always had a feeling we would end up tearing each other apart. We are so alike in every way possible. The way we get mad when no one listens, the way we think, the way we talk, the way our attitudes are terrible, how we're amazing friends to people who give us time, how we really care about people and the way they treat us. Even our thoughts are the same, we're always on the same subject. Unfortunately it's because of all these similarities that we broke. This whole thing just tore me apart, but I'm alright now. I just miss you.

This shouldn't have hurt so bad. If I had never let myself get so close I would have been okay, things would be different. But I let him become my best friend, and I thought I could trust him with anything. I thought, "how could this go bad?" But it did go bad...in so many ways. Things I never could imagine going wrong, went wrong.

Life is always showing me that people leave. So this is the last time I hurt myself like this. I knew the outcome from the start. I knew what I was getting into. I knew I needed to guard my heart. And the second I let my guard down, my world crashed. If this is what it took to teach me what I already knew, then so be it. I won't make the same mistake again. I won't let myself be torn apart.

I suppose this is just life telling me that I can't get too comfortable with people, or situations, because they always fall apart. I'll always be alone in the end.

I am strong. I am smart. I can handle my life. I don't need saving.

Hitting Rock Bottom

This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last night changed everything. Everything. I've honestly never cried as much as I have in the last two days. I'm not sure how I feel about putting everything that's happened on here quite yet. But eventually you all will know. For now though just know it's killing me. I almost lost someone so close to me. I almost lost myself.
The truth is that my life has slowly spun out of my control, and until last night there was no way to stop it. And even though what I'm going through now is hard, I know it's saving me.
Today I learned that there are a lot of people who care about me, and in my moment of desperation I over looked them, I didn't seek an exit, I tried to create one. I wanted to die. Yeah. Trust me, that's hard to put on here. I felt so alone and lost that I began to believe that was my only way out. And today, the very next day, I see how many people I have. None of us are alone.
Today I learned that I want to save everyone. But I cant. I just think I have to. I care so much about the people in my life that I just don't want them to have to go through anything bad, I want to shield them. I want to take away their burdens. Even when mine are weighing me down. For now though, it's time for me to focus on myself. How can I save someone from falling off a cliff if I'm already falling?
The only thing I can ask for now is support. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to listen to me. That's the only thing anyone can do for me. The rest is up to me, but I'm not alone. I just can't possibly be. I'm terrified for this month. This is where my whole group of friends is going to change, we have to help each other, we have to be there, but in the end, we're all making our own decisions. We are shaping our lives. It's time we grow up. It's time to be serious. And unfortunately we've spun ourselves into a deep hole. I know we can make it though..because what other option is there?
Everything has to be okay in the end, right?

Even though I have these positive thoughts, it's my other thoughts that are getting the best of me. I feel scared. I feel invisible. I feel sad. so sad. This is so hard. My whole life is being flipped yet again, and I saw it coming. In a way I welcomed this disaster.
All I know is that now is the time for change. It's beginning to be fall, and my life always changes in the fall. I knew something big was coming. And here it is in all it's epicness.

I don't know how to get through this.

Hold Your Head Up

Lately I've been realizing how hard life really is going to be. It's like for so long I've ignored the fact that growing up means doing something new with my life. It also means I'm gonna need a whole lot more money.

Things have been so hard for me lately. Nothing seems to go right. The only person I can count on in life is me. Everyone betrays me. Everyone uses me. Everyone lies to me. No one appreciates the things I do. It wouldn't make a difference if i were here or not. The truth is that if I died the people that knew me would cry and say how they remembered me and all the things about me that were so great. Some people would say we were best friends. A lot of people wouldn't care. The people who are close to me would cry some, maybe a lot. But eventually...everyone would move on. They might think about me every now and then...but the pain would fade. The memories would be forgotten. And time would move on without me. Right now I'm not really sure why I'm still trying. But I am.

Money has become a big deal. I need it. I don't have it. Ill pretty much be 18 in a year..I want to get an apartment and leave as soon as I can. So I need a job. I need to save my money. I need to start growing up. But it's just so hard. I have no clue how to balance a job with School. I want to play tennis. But getting this money is important. College is going to be expensive. Clearly...I guess I just started thinking about that. College might be my only chance to get out of this town...but out of state tuition is so high. What if I miss my chance?

I'm not sure how to handle my life right now.


All I ever wanted was to change the world, to leave behind a legacy; I just never knew it would be this hard.