A Color Decay

It's times like this, late at night, when I miss how life used to be.
It's times like this that I wish I could still be that little girl playing in a cardboard box, or that girl who didn't care or even think twice about what people thought.
It's times like this that I want to cover my eyes in black and be strong again.
But I just can't do it.
I wish, sometimes, that I could go back, or bring that girl here. How could I have been so fearless back then, but be so scared now?
I haven't cried for a while. I don't know what I feel. Could be happiness, but I'm scared too. I feel so vulnerable. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. I just don't know what to think right now.

What is this?
Someone wise once talked about a color decay, and maybe this is what she meant.
I feel alone, but as I look around I see that these people are trying to be here for me.
Maybe I am asking, wanting, too much from them. Maybe I don't give enough in return for what they do.

If I were to die tonight, I would regret so many things I have done, and more, I would regret all the things I have not done.

This whole Life thing...it's pretty scary sometimes.

Sick Day

So, I came home from school early today because I feel really sick. I went to my first class, the most important one, chemistry. But I didnt think i could handle anything else. -and not just because im sick-
Jarom has a new girlfriend. Yea, it stings. You should have seen the look on my face when I saw them holding hands. I just froze, completely forgetting I needed to finish walking down the stairs. It isn't that I want to be with him, but that this whole thing is still so new, its been..a little over a week? I just cannot believe it. And the girl is someone he told me he would never like. Liar, I guess.
I dont know why it bothers me so much. It shouldn't.
I've decided to lose all contact with him. That should make everything easier.

Next--

Maddie likes Nick. =]
Cool right? Except he goes to Coronado. And I don't. But other then that its so great.
I met Nick at Eagle Lake after eighth grade. I saw him again last summer. We reconnected.

Next--

I saw Justin. It went pretty well. But I dont think I want more than a friendship out of it, even though he thinks he's going to get more. There is too much history there. Too much hurt. But I would love him to be in my life.

Last--

I have my bestfriend back.
Joshua and I have known each other since kindergaden. We went through some hard things in 8th grade. He told me how he really felt about me, and I guess I just ignored it. But we talked about it. I really truely think our friendship is worth more than a relationship would be. We are better off this way it turns out. I love him.

Overall--

Things are looking up. My Sixteenth Birthday is in 41 days. I can hardly wait. I hope its amazing. I dont know what I'm going to do for it, but it should be fun. =]
I never thought this is how the year would turn out.
It's been thrilling.

Wow.

I just realized, not a minute ago, that I really do love myself. I really do love who I am becomming. I really do love this life I have. And I really Care about the people who have decided to go on this journey with me.

Wow.

It shouldn't be like this

If it was the right thing to do, why do I feel this way? If we weren't suppossed to be together, why does it hurt so bad?

I am so scared that I just made a big mistake. But everyone tells me I did what was right.

Everything he does now hurts me. When I see him walk by I can't breathe. And In class he is right there. And then he makes fun of me. And what can I do? I feel like i deserve it, to be treated like this by him. But i wish he wouldnt. I couldn't even make myself go to school today. I just could not do it. He got rid of everything he had that had to do with me, and he told me about it! Why can't he just realize how hard this is for me.

I need to know that I did the right thing for him. He cant keep letting himself be put down. I did think about him too when I decided...


I am so sorry I hurt him. That is the last thing I wanted to do.