My Story is Just Beginning

Hey there. It's just me again. Asking just a small favor...maybe I'll wait for later though.

--I bet you didn't realize this but my sixteenth birthday is in about six days. I have been looking forward to this ever since I can remember. Now, I wonder, what will I look to in my future. Because none of it seems realistic anymore. The checklist in my head is about complete...I don't feel as though there is much left to accomplish.

--Yea, I know, I have about a million years left to live. But do you know me? Haven't you seen me live my life? Because I've danced in the rain..in my rain. And I've even snuck a few kisses in the rain. I've lost a sister. And gained an even better friend. I've felt the pain caused by suicide. And I've felt the pain of wanting it. I've dyed my hair ten different colors. And worn so much makeup you would never notice it was me. I've even run down the street in the middle of the night trying to get away, realizing that what I wanted to escape from was indeed myself, so I walked back. I've changed my heart. Rather...He has changed my heart, and I have let Him.

--I can see now that every little stupid thing in my life made me. I know now that losing my sister was the only way I could love her as much as I do. I even know that running away doesn't fix anything. But it sure can make you feel better. I can sit here and remember my first rain and how wonderfully beautiful my life was at that moment. But even more, how beautiful it is now. Without that rain I might have as well ended up like John.

--Speaking of him, I acctually thank him for bringing me my best friend. Because without him I wouldn't know how terrible life would be without her. God, I love her.

--So where do I go from here? Will I ever get of this town? Am I ever going to make something of myself? Who will be proud of me when my life is over?

--I just want to know that when this life is over I have done everything possible to be true to who I am. I want to take every chance I get, to improve myself. I want to live. I want to be free. I want to feel complete.

--I wouldn't go back to change one thing about my life. I love every miserable second of it. I would not trade all the tears and heartache in the world to go back.

--Well I guess now it has come time for a new checklist. A new beginning.

Bring on the New Year

I tend to think only of the past. It takes a lot for me to stay in the moment, I work at it daily. In like most things, some days go well and others not so. I like to remember when it was easy, when each day was just a game that I kept winning. I like to remember that confidant girl with the dark eyes, she could do anything. I'd give a lot to play that character again, but I wont.
This year has taught me so much.
-make your own path to happiness
-find the people you can count on before you count your friends
-take chances
-dream crazy dreams and live them
-don't look through your own eyes to see yourself, you wont find what your looking for
-in order to change, you must work every minute of every day
-if you want to change you have to find who you were, who you are and who you wish to be
-surprising someone else is the best way to surprise yourself
-if you don't see your life clearly in front of you, you're looking the wrong way
-it's okay to be upset, it's not okay to let the world know
-time happy is not time wasted, no matter how you feel later
-just because your day wasn't amazing, doesn't make it a bad day
-if you think about what you're going to say, your heart may change your mind about it(negativly or positivly)
-the farther you fall, the higher you get to come back up
-the most simple things can be the hardest to explain
-there is always someone there for you, it may not be who you want it to be, and it wont always be the same person, you may even have to look for them, but there is always someone.


It's hard for me to see all the good in my life, but a list like that puts everything into view. I have trouble believing how far I have come in the last year. It has gone by so fast. Look at where I am. Look at who I am. Even though I struggle with who I am every day, I can't help but love myself.
I hope this coming year brings me everything I've had and more. I want all the heartache and love and happiness and tears. I don't regret one thing I've done in my life. And I don't plan on starting now. Life is too short to wait around for what you want. You have to be active in your life.
This year was thrilling.


"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some good books, and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art-write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

What October Brings

October is my favorite month. Not only is my birthday in October, but my favorite holiday too! October has always felt good. The air starts to get cold, and everything feels so real. I can't explain the feeling. October has always brought a lot of change for me, and this year doesn't seem to be any different.
--Today I found out that I trust too easily. And that just because you have known someone since 5th grade, doesn't mean you know them. Just because they call you their best friend, doesn't mean you are.
People Lie.
People hurt.
My best friend lied to me. He didn't tell me something so important. It's life changing. He told everyone else. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same. I want to trust him so bad...but I don't know if I can. I'm so hurt. And I feel so stupid.
I know this doesn't seem so bad. If you knew what it was about or how tight our relationship was, you would understand.
I hope I can forgive him.
Because I know I couldn't live without him.
He picks me up when I'm down. He makes me laugh constantly. He listens to my deepest thoughts. He guides me through all my problems. He is my brother.
--I know I can forgive him.
--I will be sixteen in twenty-four days. I will be another year older. I've learned so much this year. I hope the next one will be just as crazy, just as amazing.

--Leave some comments. On any of these blogs. I would love to hear from you, and answer any questions you have.

--Maddie