I Am Me.

I've always been needed, and I've always been there for people as much as I possibly could. But who is there for me? When will someone decide I'm worth helping? I am just so broken. I am so alone. I do not understand why I have to be alone through my whole life. When I am led to someone I can trust, to a good person, to a friend, it's all just taken away. And life proves, again, that no one is ever on my side.
It's not enough for me to just take how people treat me. It's not enough to change who I am. Because I will never be worth the time, or effort. I have worked so hard to love who I am, and to just take life as it comes, but who I am isn't who they want me to be. Unfortunatly, I never will be. Because even if you all hate who I am, I am me. I will always be. I just wish I could be good enough for you.
I guess, I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. I would rather be alone than with people who don't understand, or take the time to try to understand, who I am. You can judge me all you want. You can say what you want about me. But know this, I am happy with who I am. I am never going to change for anyone but myself. I would never say what you say about me, about you. And I'll leave the judging to the one who has the right.
If you hate me, so be it. I'm sorry I wasn't who you wanted me to be. But I'm not sorry I'm me.

To You. Yes, You. All of you.

Wow, time goes by fast. And then you notice that you hardly talk to the people you love talking to.


This year just seems to be the year for change, in everyones lives. For once it's a good change in my life. I am really enjoying this year. It's so crazy how fast time is going by. I cannot believe all the things I missed out on by being with Jarom for so long. I am so happy with the choices I have made this year. I never knew what it felt like to truely love yourself, never knew what it was like to be absolutely happy, until this year. I have never experienced life like this. I've learned that happiness isnt "Out there," it's inside of you. It's always in your life, always there. You can cover it up with school, parents, friends, or just life in general, but I know that it is always there.

Happiness comes from different things in everyones lives. My happiness comes from you. Yes, you. My friends, my family and people I hardly know. Anyone who has ever said one nice thing about me. You all deserve something in return for what you have given me, but all I have to give is what you gave me. Happiness. And I'll try until the end to give it to you.

You all have tought me to be happy. By doing that I've learned to make others happy. You tought me to love myself. By doing that I have learned to love others.

I thank you so much for all that you have tought me. And I know I will continue to learn things from you. You have left a mark on my life that cannot be erased or forgotten, and I am so thankful.


Life Gets Tough. But no one ever said you have to go through it alone.

My Story is Just Beginning

Hey there. It's just me again. Asking just a small favor...maybe I'll wait for later though.

--I bet you didn't realize this but my sixteenth birthday is in about six days. I have been looking forward to this ever since I can remember. Now, I wonder, what will I look to in my future. Because none of it seems realistic anymore. The checklist in my head is about complete...I don't feel as though there is much left to accomplish.

--Yea, I know, I have about a million years left to live. But do you know me? Haven't you seen me live my life? Because I've danced in the rain..in my rain. And I've even snuck a few kisses in the rain. I've lost a sister. And gained an even better friend. I've felt the pain caused by suicide. And I've felt the pain of wanting it. I've dyed my hair ten different colors. And worn so much makeup you would never notice it was me. I've even run down the street in the middle of the night trying to get away, realizing that what I wanted to escape from was indeed myself, so I walked back. I've changed my heart. Rather...He has changed my heart, and I have let Him.

--I can see now that every little stupid thing in my life made me. I know now that losing my sister was the only way I could love her as much as I do. I even know that running away doesn't fix anything. But it sure can make you feel better. I can sit here and remember my first rain and how wonderfully beautiful my life was at that moment. But even more, how beautiful it is now. Without that rain I might have as well ended up like John.

--Speaking of him, I acctually thank him for bringing me my best friend. Because without him I wouldn't know how terrible life would be without her. God, I love her.

--So where do I go from here? Will I ever get of this town? Am I ever going to make something of myself? Who will be proud of me when my life is over?

--I just want to know that when this life is over I have done everything possible to be true to who I am. I want to take every chance I get, to improve myself. I want to live. I want to be free. I want to feel complete.

--I wouldn't go back to change one thing about my life. I love every miserable second of it. I would not trade all the tears and heartache in the world to go back.

--Well I guess now it has come time for a new checklist. A new beginning.

Bring on the New Year

I tend to think only of the past. It takes a lot for me to stay in the moment, I work at it daily. In like most things, some days go well and others not so. I like to remember when it was easy, when each day was just a game that I kept winning. I like to remember that confidant girl with the dark eyes, she could do anything. I'd give a lot to play that character again, but I wont.
This year has taught me so much.
-make your own path to happiness
-find the people you can count on before you count your friends
-take chances
-dream crazy dreams and live them
-don't look through your own eyes to see yourself, you wont find what your looking for
-in order to change, you must work every minute of every day
-if you want to change you have to find who you were, who you are and who you wish to be
-surprising someone else is the best way to surprise yourself
-if you don't see your life clearly in front of you, you're looking the wrong way
-it's okay to be upset, it's not okay to let the world know
-time happy is not time wasted, no matter how you feel later
-just because your day wasn't amazing, doesn't make it a bad day
-if you think about what you're going to say, your heart may change your mind about it(negativly or positivly)
-the farther you fall, the higher you get to come back up
-the most simple things can be the hardest to explain
-there is always someone there for you, it may not be who you want it to be, and it wont always be the same person, you may even have to look for them, but there is always someone.


It's hard for me to see all the good in my life, but a list like that puts everything into view. I have trouble believing how far I have come in the last year. It has gone by so fast. Look at where I am. Look at who I am. Even though I struggle with who I am every day, I can't help but love myself.
I hope this coming year brings me everything I've had and more. I want all the heartache and love and happiness and tears. I don't regret one thing I've done in my life. And I don't plan on starting now. Life is too short to wait around for what you want. You have to be active in your life.
This year was thrilling.


"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some good books, and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art-write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

What October Brings

October is my favorite month. Not only is my birthday in October, but my favorite holiday too! October has always felt good. The air starts to get cold, and everything feels so real. I can't explain the feeling. October has always brought a lot of change for me, and this year doesn't seem to be any different.
--Today I found out that I trust too easily. And that just because you have known someone since 5th grade, doesn't mean you know them. Just because they call you their best friend, doesn't mean you are.
People Lie.
People hurt.
My best friend lied to me. He didn't tell me something so important. It's life changing. He told everyone else. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same. I want to trust him so bad...but I don't know if I can. I'm so hurt. And I feel so stupid.
I know this doesn't seem so bad. If you knew what it was about or how tight our relationship was, you would understand.
I hope I can forgive him.
Because I know I couldn't live without him.
He picks me up when I'm down. He makes me laugh constantly. He listens to my deepest thoughts. He guides me through all my problems. He is my brother.
--I know I can forgive him.
--I will be sixteen in twenty-four days. I will be another year older. I've learned so much this year. I hope the next one will be just as crazy, just as amazing.

--Leave some comments. On any of these blogs. I would love to hear from you, and answer any questions you have.

--Maddie

A Color Decay

It's times like this, late at night, when I miss how life used to be.
It's times like this that I wish I could still be that little girl playing in a cardboard box, or that girl who didn't care or even think twice about what people thought.
It's times like this that I want to cover my eyes in black and be strong again.
But I just can't do it.
I wish, sometimes, that I could go back, or bring that girl here. How could I have been so fearless back then, but be so scared now?
I haven't cried for a while. I don't know what I feel. Could be happiness, but I'm scared too. I feel so vulnerable. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. I just don't know what to think right now.

What is this?
Someone wise once talked about a color decay, and maybe this is what she meant.
I feel alone, but as I look around I see that these people are trying to be here for me.
Maybe I am asking, wanting, too much from them. Maybe I don't give enough in return for what they do.

If I were to die tonight, I would regret so many things I have done, and more, I would regret all the things I have not done.

This whole Life thing...it's pretty scary sometimes.

Sick Day

So, I came home from school early today because I feel really sick. I went to my first class, the most important one, chemistry. But I didnt think i could handle anything else. -and not just because im sick-
Jarom has a new girlfriend. Yea, it stings. You should have seen the look on my face when I saw them holding hands. I just froze, completely forgetting I needed to finish walking down the stairs. It isn't that I want to be with him, but that this whole thing is still so new, its been..a little over a week? I just cannot believe it. And the girl is someone he told me he would never like. Liar, I guess.
I dont know why it bothers me so much. It shouldn't.
I've decided to lose all contact with him. That should make everything easier.

Next--

Maddie likes Nick. =]
Cool right? Except he goes to Coronado. And I don't. But other then that its so great.
I met Nick at Eagle Lake after eighth grade. I saw him again last summer. We reconnected.

Next--

I saw Justin. It went pretty well. But I dont think I want more than a friendship out of it, even though he thinks he's going to get more. There is too much history there. Too much hurt. But I would love him to be in my life.

Last--

I have my bestfriend back.
Joshua and I have known each other since kindergaden. We went through some hard things in 8th grade. He told me how he really felt about me, and I guess I just ignored it. But we talked about it. I really truely think our friendship is worth more than a relationship would be. We are better off this way it turns out. I love him.

Overall--

Things are looking up. My Sixteenth Birthday is in 41 days. I can hardly wait. I hope its amazing. I dont know what I'm going to do for it, but it should be fun. =]
I never thought this is how the year would turn out.
It's been thrilling.

Wow.

I just realized, not a minute ago, that I really do love myself. I really do love who I am becomming. I really do love this life I have. And I really Care about the people who have decided to go on this journey with me.

Wow.

It shouldn't be like this

If it was the right thing to do, why do I feel this way? If we weren't suppossed to be together, why does it hurt so bad?

I am so scared that I just made a big mistake. But everyone tells me I did what was right.

Everything he does now hurts me. When I see him walk by I can't breathe. And In class he is right there. And then he makes fun of me. And what can I do? I feel like i deserve it, to be treated like this by him. But i wish he wouldnt. I couldn't even make myself go to school today. I just could not do it. He got rid of everything he had that had to do with me, and he told me about it! Why can't he just realize how hard this is for me.

I need to know that I did the right thing for him. He cant keep letting himself be put down. I did think about him too when I decided...


I am so sorry I hurt him. That is the last thing I wanted to do.

Loving Myself.

This year, hasn't turned out at all how i thought it would. My life is changing so much. I'm changing. It's magical. And, I am absolutely loving how I feel.





A few things i have noticed about myself recently:



--I really only get online to see how Beth is doing.

--I listen to music more than I have for a long time.

--I know why i cry now.

--I don't fight with my mom much.

--I feel happy.

--I am not scared.

--I can be happy with where ever my life is going.

--I can take all that is happening to heart without blamming myself.

--I think I am beautiful, for the first time in my life.



My life has really been a roller coaster. Each day I remember what I have gone through and the things I have done. I remember who I was and I compare it to who I think I am now, who I want to become.

I love remembering times I shared with some amazing people. I used to just wish for those days to be here, now. I used to long for those people to be back in my life. But now, I can look back and see that everything that has happened has made me who I am. And I am strong and beautiful. I am in love with who I have become. I wouldn't go back to change anything about my life.



I cannot believe how far I have come during the last few weeks of the summer. I think it all started with a simple phrase: "Be here, now."

I don't feel the need to think about later. I am perfectly happy with now. Now is where my life is. Now is where my friends are. Things might change tomorrow. They probably will. But no matter what, I know I am loved.


Thats all I need, all I ever needed.

Number One

Hello world. I am excited for this new blog. I hope it gives me the chance to get out a lot of what I've been thinking.
Recently I have found out that two of my friends are pregnant. The two are complete opposites. One married, she has been waiting to be a mother for two or more years, and now she is being blessed with two sons. I am so happy for her. She deserves this more than anyone I know. She is going to be the best mother anyone could ask for. My other friend is young and not prepared for something like this in her life. I cannot imagine how she is feeling or the things she is going through. But I know that she will do everything she possibly can to give this child what it deserves.
I went to Eagle Lake last week. And as always have come back feeling high on life. Something about it there makes the world seem so easy to conquer. I feel as if I could do anything. Camp is somewhere I can be myself and still make friends that i know are true. I love the people I met. I wish i could wake up there and do those things all over again tomorrow. I already can't wait for what next summer will bring.
School starts in ten days. I know that as soon as it does, and i walk off that bus and get into that same redundant theme all my good feelings will seem so far off. I am ready, however, to take on this new year. I am ready to show people who I am for once. I feel like a different person than from last year. I was so scared of life last year that I think I just let it pass right on by. Not to say that I am not scared anymore, (because i am scared to death,) but this year I will not let life leave me behind. Bring it on.